The survival kit to a romantic breakup (or how to avoid making big mistakes)
It may seem strange to inaugurate the section "And love…" of My Magical Life by the love breakup,since a priori, it is a bit to start with the end!
Nevertheless, I realized that when things are going well, we hardly look for information. But above all, that this moment (which everyone has one day experienced in their life) is such an emotional shock that it is difficult to think for oneself. And that this is a time when we really need help, support, and takinga step back.
To try to limit the damage of the trauma.
And to avoid doing things that we will regret.
I will talk about it in more detail in future articles, this terrible love breakup. But I aim here to give you some tips and elements of reflection to face the very beginning, the first hours, the first days, the first weeks of this mourning.
For it is a real mourning,to lose the loved one – well, if you still love him. But it can also be an opportunity either to start again on new – and better – bases with the other, or to realize that the other, well… there is better.
Even if at the beginning… we think only of him (or her). You miss only one being and…
So things, actions to put in place, attitudes and behaviors to adopt, which I learned after experiencing, myself, a much more painful breakup than the others. And if I have assured on some points, I really, it must be said all go, downright crappy on others!
And I would like to help you not make the same mistakes…
1. Love breakup: the shock
You take it in your face, the ball – even if (that's for sure, you may realize it later), you probably saw it coming.
Here, one morning, one evening, summer or winter, by text message, by letter or live, your girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife, boyfriend, girlfriend or sexfriend, swings you all go that "It's over". It's over "because you're better than me", in the soft and soft version, it's over "because I have other life projects", too. But it is often in "Napalm Pitbull" mode that you receive the slap in the face.
"Pitbull" are all the horrors that the other swings in your face, like "I never loved you", "I hate you/misunderstanding/reject", and the delicious "I met someone else"."Pitbull" because the other, at that time,can no longer stand you. It is thereforeaggressiveness or even hatred that dominates it. But above all, behind… immense guilt. And a great suffering,because for the other too, the one who leaves, the love break is a failure, and a loss.
"Napalm" because the other is, at that time,in the absolute rejection of the relationship. So we erase everything, with flamethrowers.But also because in his/her head, he/she has committed himself/herself to a kind of "pact", a strong decision of rupture. And thatat that moment,he or she wants to force the line thoroughly to convince himself of the correctness of his decision, to convince others, and to convince you, that it is OVER. And NEVER.
A video by Jean-Baptiste Marsille, which I advise you to watch to better understand:
> What to do?
I know it's hard, but try, as much as possible, to keep calm.
Andto listen to the other,what he tells you. If the other is surprised by your silence, tell him what exactly you are doing: "I'm listening to you". You will immediately score points,because when you leave, it is because you are unhappy in the relationship,and that you were probably not listened to when you said it / showed / tried to make understand.
If the other is insulting, insulting, go. Right away. Even if you live together and have nowhere else to go, take your bag, coat, bike or car, and go to a quiet, preferably secluded place – in the sense that there is no one, not a dangerous place, obviously.
Tell the other that you do not accept insults.
Go, and go and take the shock on your side.
Even if you can only leave for an hour, it will already pose a clear message and a limit to the "Pitbull*" who has taken control of the body and mind of your spouse. This will allow everyone to find their calm, to reflect on the words spoken. And you're going to score points and earn some respect for the rest. Even if for the moment respect, you do not care, you will see that afterwards it will be of great importance.
If you have children, and you think that the next few hours will be tense, take them if possible right away to your family, or to a friend's house, even for an hour or two. The time that the initial storm subsides.
2.Love breakup: the first hours
It is a shock, an upheaval. It may be that afterwards, if you live together, you will pass the following hours together. Sometimes, on the other hand, the other one suddenly leaves, and you find yourself alone in a split second.
Immediately turn off the contact. Even if everything is done smoothly, that the other tries to be as polite, correct and respectful as possible, try as much as possible to put yourself aside. I know, it's hard, when we love the other, we tell ourselves that the other can't do that to us, that it's a joke, that it's not possible.
Phase one of mourning: denial.
You love him, you are close (well, you still believe him), so you think that by talking, everything will work out. No. At that time,it is better to let the storm pass and absorb the shock and emotions. Dialogue will come, don't worry. But from that moment on, we will have to be patient.
Getting away, at the time of the breakup, is the best thing to do. To allow you to regain your spirits, cry, scream, go running, or join a person of trust and full of unconditional love,who will welcome you and listen to you without judgment and without giving his opinion or watering you with advice.
Whatever your option, make immediate separate room, sleep on the couch, at a friend's house, at the hotel, whatever.It is absolutely necessary, like any injured animal, to protect yourself from other hurtful words or actions. This will allow you to let go. But also not to show the other a picture too sad, too pathetic,of the one who will beg, cry, scream, and / or break everything. Here too, you will score points afterwards, including in your own esteem. Just say that you need to get some fresh air, to isolate yourself.
3. Romantic breakup: the first three days
There, we go into the hard. In these moments when cyanide and hanging seem to you alternative medicine options, where you stop eating, drinking, and washing, or on the contrary you drink non-stop (everything but water) and swallow all the junk imagined by the food industry for the last fifty years.
> My advice:
Go immediately build up a stock of alternative medicine products in the nearest pharmacy, everything that brings serenity, relaxation, relaxation, and sleep. You're going to need it. Try multiple formulas, multiple brands.
If like me at the time you feel that you are in a state of shock, head to the doctor, and the heavy artillery – if only for a few days. Accept a sick leave if it seems necessary. Yes, a difficult love break-up is a cause of sick leave, when your body and your psyche are affected.
It is absolutely necessary that you manage to sleep a little,to stop crying a little, to succeed in creating for two or three hours a state of relative relaxation and calm. Everything to avoid trauma, too strong shock, psychological descent and degradation of physical health – it can go quickly.
Depending on what suitsyou, arm yourself with funny movies or series, or stories like"I will Survive":people who have overcome a breakup, a mourning, a failure, in short stories that will allow you to realize that everyone takes, one day or the other, the same good big slap in the face. Eat jars of ice, smoke chain cigarettes, drink beers or Mojitos with a buddy or girlfriend – the best, most mature, solid, able to handle yourself in a state close to Ohio.
Only one rule: the anything, it must not exceed 3 days. Afterwards, we get up and we mobilize.
Listen to music,which relaxes you or energizes you, but nothing whining – not Jacques Brel or Barbara… it's enough to be dropped.
Besides, here is precisely what to take a step back on your love breakup:
A good plan too: writing. Take a notebook, and write down everything that goes through your head. Draw also, if it is your communication tool. This will save you from telling anything about your ex to your colleagues, friends, family, the postman who brings you your package. This is your experience, you can go all out, including in the worst profanity, and the desires for murder. We don't care, it's a romp. So let off steam. As you will see, it allows you to put words into what has just happened. And your experience – and not just the most recent.
Do sports,even a beast walks, sunbathe, sleep as much as you can. All this helps to fight depression in an automatic, physiological way.
You will doubtly want to be alone, sothat you can cry as much as you want. Retreat to your cave, and alternate with moments on the phone or face to face with others. Without forcing yourself…
4. Breakup in love: the following week
For some, who did not live as a couple, the romantic break-up means the more or less sudden end of a relationship with a close person, who very often had an essential place in our life. For others, it also means a series of chain reactions that will affect all areas of your life. Divorce, moving, separation of property… You're going to need the help of your loved ones,so feel free to start talking to them about it.
If you live with your spouse, there is a kind of unseated but often followed rule: the one who leaves is the one who leaves,that is to say, who moves quickly enough in another dwelling. Or in the family, or at home… his new life partner. ouch. It's a terrible time, so if you can, leave when the other takes their belongings.
When this happened to me, I took the opportunity to move everything, and even repaint a piece, to have the feeling of "turning the page". Do not stay in the decoration "of the couple", but create your own. We throw a new plaid on the sofa, we turn the holiday trinkets and the photos related to the "we" on the walls. We change the sheets… to no longer have the smell of the other on his pillow … and we change the bed of place.
If you live together, try to create separate spaces,and if there is too much tension, have lunch and dinner outside in an alternative way. It is quite possible not to cross each other, and to create a small cocoon in a room.
Surf as much as possible on the sites dedicated to the break – but still take a step back on everything that is said … . Above all, I advise you, make an appointment with a psychologist. Even if you feel that the pain is not too strong, that you too somewhere want to break… talking to a neutral person trained to listen to suffering will lighten (like the notebook) the overflow of words that you will necessarily pour on those around you.
Start thinking about things you could do to make the moment less painful, to change your mind,and to pass the time, especially if you are tempted to send a thousand text messages of insults/questions/declarations of love to your ex. This will be totally unnecessary at that time, and really counterproductive.
A single key word: PATIENCE…
Let things calm down, let communication become possible again (even if for now your ex no longer answers you),think first of you, this emotional shock, your pain, your grief.
These are some tips in "emergency kit" mode, but the subject deserves many other articles, which will not come next…
Good luck to you.
And don't let anyone minimize your grief, you alone are the judge of your feelings and your life!
*I love pitbulls, they are adorable dogs, so don't take my choice of animal image in the first degree…
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